Dear Blog Site,
It’s day four, wading through the treacherous territory of Positive Parenting solutions. I have encountered significant push-back from the familial savages. They are strong in their resolve, thankfully, I am stronger. (If you don’t know what I am talking about reference this blog post Shifting Parenting Paradigms )
Part of Amy McCready’s philosophy of parenting includes sufficiently “filling your children’s power and attention buckets” in positive and controlled ways as to avoid power struggles and methods of seeking negative attention throughout the day. The whole bucket verbiage is a little odd to me but nevertheless the principle makes good sense.
One of the first things I decided to reconcile with this new strategy was my own reaction to their negative behaviors (after all, they must have learned it from somewhere;) ). When children are not offered enough opportunities to demonstrate power and significance in positive ways (I’ll discuss suggested ways to accomplish this later) within their home, power struggles emerge. After reading Amy’s words about power struggles, I constructed the following analogy to aid my own understanding.When a fire arises (“I’m not doing my homework”, “You can’t make me eat this broccoli”, “I will NOT put away my shoes!”), I will not act as an accelerant like lighter fluid (“Oh, we’ll see about that!”, “That’s what you think!”, “I know, you did not just yell at me!”). Instead I will act as oxygen, simply taking myself out of the equation (leaving the room, tuning it out), removing the fire’s life force, forcing it to dwindle and extinguish. McCready writes, “…they can express their feelings, but we don’t have to participate”. I decided that I would let all three boys know ahead of time that unless they spoke to me in a calm, kind and respectful manner I would not listen to what they had to say. Utilizing this tool demonstrates that although they might crave power and attention, acting up and power struggles are not how you will not receive it.
It was not long before this was aptly tested. My two-year old requested I get a toy he had thrown on the trampoline for him. Knowing it was something he was completely capable of doing himself, I calmly declined and explained he was more than able to retrieve it. He proceeded to whine and gripe a bit trying to convince me to get it for him. “Buuuuuut I caaaaaan’t do it (insert dramatic fall to the ground). (Head lifts slightly) You do it”. I remained firm in my resolve. He LOST it. This was very telling as I had never seen him break down to this extent; meaning I must have been caving every time he utilized his secondary whiny voice attempts. He continued to scream louder, face becoming beet red, throwing himself on me and the ground alike. I proceeded to read my book, not even looking in his direction. After about 5 minutes he realized I was not even slightly interested in his antics and the demonic protest stopped. He climbed on the chair next the trampoline, hopped on without a hitch, grabbed his toy triumphantly, with a smile shouting ,”I did it mommy!”. I grinned at him and said, “Great job Buddy! I’m so proud of you!”. He got down off of the trampoline a new child, came over and hugged me and said, “wanna play?”. I responded, “Absolutely!”. Tally in the ol’ “W” column!
One of the ways to adequately and preemptively fill your childrens’ buckets (nope, can’t do it) resevoirs for power/significance she recommends is instituting something called “Mind, Body and Soul Time” with each of your children, spanning a 10-20 minute time frame. I found myself rebelling against the idea because the name elicited notions of hemp-laden folk in a circle humming in unison. I, instead opted for Connect Time (C.T.). It just seemed to sit with me a lot better. During this time you are alone with your child and engage in an activity of their choice (within reason) and allow them to direct the time together. If you have other children in the home, this may be an excusable time to enlist the help of the TV to keep them engaged for the short amount of time you are focusing on your other child. Additionally, you are to put away anything that may distract you from your time with your child (phone, book, magazine, TV). The activity could be playing Legos together, jumping on the trampoline, becoming the opposing dragon to the Knights’ resistance, playing Guess Who?, listening intently to their after-school diatribe, talking a walk/bike ride together, coloring a picture, making a craft (or typically cardboard sword in my case)… the list goes on and on. Ms. McCready recommends you do not seek special treats during this time, as that is what they will expect daily. A simple child-directed activity is really all they need.
I gave it a shot yesterday. It worked wonderfully. At first my oldest wanted to intrude on my time with my middle child. However, upon explaining I would spend the same amount of time with him alone doing something of his choice was enough motivation to leave us for the duration of the middle child’s C.T. Oddly enough they both chose to build different Lego sets with me. I allowed them to direct me in building whatever items they requested. They loved it!!! The remainder of the afternoon, a lot fewer tantrums ensued. I was in complete disbelief.
I shall continue to keep you all updated on the progress of this shift in parenting tactics. So far, so good. But with boys I have learned to expect the unexpected. Until next time… I will leave you with this linguistic gem”Can’t nobody hold me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin”~The illustrious P.Diddy.
Photo Credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-exhausted-young-explorer-jungle-tired-wiping-sweat-off-his-forehead-image47543360
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