Marital Sex

(This post is primarily geared toward marriages in their infancy. Please also keep in mind, this is a blog, not a research article. These are merely my opinions and  my thoughts).

For many out there, the above title is an oxymoron, an elusive enigma, an ‘on-special-occasions’ ritual. But why? Why has sex within marriage become a joke? Countless sitcoms feature singles with wild and vibrant sex lives while contrasting the marital couple with spider webs growing in their underwear.

Due to my very open nature and biology background, I have had the distinct privilege of unofficially counseling a few soon-to-be-brides on the topic of sex. One of my most cherished resources is the book titled, “Intended for Pleasure” (and no, it’s not a harlequin novel). It is written by Ed Wheat, M.D. and his wife. It begins by illuminating God’s plan for the purpose of sex in marriage and continues by describing how to choose to love your mate. Following that, Dr. Wheat details the intricacies of the reproductive systems of both the male and female. I have found that this knowledge is rather lost on today’s youngins (ladies, if you think you urinate and birth a baby out of the same hole, we need to talk). The author then explains the mechanics of sexual intercourse and how to create a mutually beneficial experience. It is a wonderful book, even for those who have been married for years, I highly recommend it.

I am very passionate about this subject due to the innumerable misconceptions regarding sex and the place it holds within a marriage. I truly believe it be a very important aspect of marriage. I’m not saying that if you do not come together to do the hibbity-dibbity five times a week that your marriage is in shambles. What I am saying is that you ought to consider sitting down with your spouse and discussing your ideal frequency. He says “7 days a week”, she says “1”. She says “3 times a month”, he says “once”. Compromise with one another and then commit to it. Make it a priority. It can be difficult… I know!! I have three boys under the age of six. My husband works crazy hours frequently and I am a full-time student (for the second time around…sigh…). BUT my husband and our marriage is second-to-the-top on my list of priorities (my relationship with Christ being first). His spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical needs are of great importance to me. I do not want a stagnant marriage, one that exists out of convenience or routine, but a marriage that consists of two individuals constantly attempting to better their marriage and one another.

(For those of you who have reached an age where sex is no longer the priority it once was, do not think I am condemning you or judging you. I realize that with age comes a shift in hormones, a change in sexual appetites along with various medical complications that can occur. Having the above conversation regarding frequency may be a little different for you, but just having the conversation may alleviate some marital tension while providing understanding of the other’s needs or limitations).

Communicate!!! Your sexual experiences are unique to the two of you. Don’t let Hollywood’s version of sex play a role in your intimacy. Discuss likes and dislikes (and yes, it can be a little awkward at first but becomes much easier with time). Make sure to take the time to explore any psychological/physical interference or past abuse that may be present and flush out such topics with one another or with the help of a counselor or physician.

Additionally, try to add some romance; new lingerie or lighting a single candle. You don’t have to flood the bedroom with rose pedals every Tuesday but just something on occasion that can make it special .

I realize as a Christian women that traditionally sex has been a taboo subject within the church. However, where better to learn?! Learn healthy behaviors and educate our engaged men and women what to expect, how to prepare and how to maintain a thriving sex life. Do not let social media or movies be their source of information. I have heard it said, “Satan does everything he can to get you into bed together before marriage and everything possible to keep you out of bed while married”. Satan knows that a flourishing sex life within a marriage strengthens the intimate bond between a husband and wife, something he has no use for. Derision and division he can work with.

About a year ago I wrote a facebook entry, I’d like to share it to close this post:

When the book series “50 Shades of Grey” came out a few years ago, I truly thought nothing of it. I didn’t have a desire to read it, so I didn’t. I heard friends talking about it and typically just walked away, not out of self-righteousness, but not having read the series, I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. However, with my fb newsfeed being inundated with the trailers, articles and excited anticipatory remarks about the soon-to-be-released movie version, I feel a tugging in my heart to share my thoughts. I think anyone that truly knows me would not consider me a prude. I am not someone who blushes when the topic of sex is discussed, typically I opt to join in to provide a different viewpoint, that of a Christ-following woman and wife. I strongly believe (very strongly) that a healthy sexual relationship in a marriage is one of the most crucial elements. Let me elaborate slightly on healthy. I do not think inflicting ANY type of pain on your spouse during sexual acts is what God intended. I believe he created sex between a husband and wife as a way of developing intimacy and trust. Let’s be honest, if my husband was beating me or hurting me during a time that is suppose to promote closeness, as his wife I would be very confused. I think viewing images that idolize and encourage domestic abuse (and yes, I do believe it to be that) as something that spices up a sexual relationship is not healthy. It creates and purports a normalization of such things, that’s not normal. Is this what we want our teen girls to expect? To look for? PLEASE do not mistake this post as a type of admonition, but rather an invitation. I am not judging anyone here, it’s not my place. I’d have to perform a plank-ectomy on my own eye before trying to remove the speck in someone else’s. Allow me to give you some bedroom tips of my own. IF you truly want a passionate, steamy, frequent and intimate sex life, invite Jesus Christ to be the Lord and Savior of your life and put Him at the center of your marriage. (WHOA! Did she just write that??! Yes, I did and I will give you a moment to pick yourself off of the floor…P.S. If you don’t know where to begin in asking Christ into your heart, ask me, I LOVE to share) But I mean that. The Bible has plenty to say about sex in marriage and will only illuminate and develop a greater bond between you and your spouse. Song of Solomon is riddled with verses detailing the intimate sexual relationship of a husband and wife. I’m no sex-pert but if I wished to delve deeper into the intricacies of sex, wouldn’t it make sense to to consult the creator of said act? My marriage is not perfect. However, I highly respect and genuinely adore my husband. I respect him enough to honor my commitment to seeing him and only him in such a personal way. I try and keep my eyes on Christ, who fills me with the type of love that is able to sustain a marriage through whatever trials come our way; a miscarriage, physical ailments, emotional battles, daily parenting stresses and the like. So again, I ask you not to read this and think I am trying to guilt trip anyone into Christianity, but rather inviting you to experience a relationship with your spouse and with Christ that is unparalleled and delivers a love that no movie plot would begin to rival.